Friend not Therapist - Part 2
In part one, we talked about how to stop being a therapist to a friend. Some methods discussed were to set boundaries with your friend in order to fix and maintain a more equal relationship.
For part two, let's talk about the opposite, "Am I treating my friend as my therapist?" This question can be more difficult to answer. No one wants to admit they have taken advantage of their friend, but it is best to see the signs and admit it, for the sake of your friendship.
Are you treating your friend as your therapist? Ask yourself these questions, “do you…
“Mostly reach out to your friend when you’re feeling down?”
“Do the majority of the talking when you and your friend get together?”
“Talk about your problems with your friend more than you talk about anything else?”
“Go into conversations with your friend hoping for resolutions to your problems?”
“Rarely ask how your friend is doing and then pause and simply listen?”
If you answer “yes” to the majority of these questions then you are treating your friend as your therapist. You may feel guilty venting to them at times, but they always reassure you that it’s fine and give you advice or simply listen. You might consider your friend to be just a really good friend who listens to your problems and is by your side no matter what. Yet there is their point of view that can be obscured by your rush of emotions. You may not realize how often you vent to them, how busy they are, or how tired they feel yet they still listen to you.
There are a lot of signs that show your friend is tired of being your therapist friend but does not know how to show it besides trying to set a boundary. If you acknowledge any of your actions to the questions previously mentioned then congratulations, you have completed one method you can do to fix your imbalanced friendship.
“Practice self-awareness.” Be self-aware of how your friend feels when you are venting. It can be difficult when all you want to do is release all the frustration, anger, and stress you feel. Yet while all of these emotions are released from you, they go into your friend. Your friend is being empathetic to your situation and feels what you are feeling. Be aware if they are starting to feel overwhelmed by your negative emotions, take a break and breathe not just for them but for yourself. Distract yourself by asking about them, remember friendship requires both people to talk not just one person.
“Check in with them.” Similarly, consider checking in with your friends, don’t just contact them when you want to vent, but just to see how they feel. If you are contacting them because you want to vent again, ask them if they are free first, know what they are doing, and if they have the time and energy to listen to you.
“Seek professional help.” It can be difficult to admit, especially with the stigma around mental health, but there is a point when you have to admit you need professional help. If you find yourself repeatedly venting to your friend about the same topic over and over again or if you find yourself feeling constantly sad, anxious, or rushing to drastic thoughts and actions; then it is best to seek a professional. You may not realize it or acknowledge it but you may have a mental health illness that your friend is not capable of dealing with. A professional knows how to help and how to react to your drastic actions that your friend cannot. Sometimes seeking a third party is the healthiest option for both you and your friend’s mental health.
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