Friend not Therapist - Part 1
We all have had situations where a friend needs to vent to you or the time you need to vent to them. It is normal to talk to someone close to you when faced with bottled-up emotions and stress, but something we do not consider is “Am I being treated as only a therapist for my friend?”
Friends can unintentionally treat their friends as their therapists, especially those who are “a good listener, nonjudgemental, trustworthy, and empathetic.” Yet there are many reasons why friends are not therapists and should not be for their friends. Sometimes, friends “lack objectivity, neutrality, and professional training.” They can feel drained when their friend does all the talking, not stopping to listen to their friend’s problems, or unintentionally pressures them into coming up with a solution to their problem.
Are you a therapist friend? Ask yourself these questions,
“When you meet with your friend, do you do nearly all the listening?”
“Do you find it difficult to talk about yourself after listening to your friend?”
“Are you often in the position of trying to cheer your friend up or offer advice when they’re depressed?”
“Do you feel drained after conversations with your friend?”
“Do you feel like you have an obligation to make them feel better?”
“Have you been hesitating meeting or texting your friend for any of these reasons?
If the answer to the majority of these questions is “yes” then you would be a therapist friend. Being the therapist friend is mentally and even physically exhausting and at some point, the friendship becomes less of a destresser and more of a stressor. In all honesty, if a friendship reaches this point it cannot be considered a healthy friendship anymore and actions have to be taken to reach a conclusion that would be healthy for both of you. Consider any of these actions…
“Determine what your friend needs.” Do they need someone to listen to while they vent or do they need someone to give them advice? Understanding which is more mentally exhausting to deal with can give you an idea of how much attention or time you need to give, especially considering your own physical and mental health at that time.
“Set boundaries.” Setting boundaries is a way to show your friends they cannot always depend on you. You have your own life and issues to work out. Your life does not rotate around your friend’s life, you cannot always be at their beck and call. You may not always have time to give attention to your friend, and they must understand that.
“Don’t take on your friend’s baggage.” Being empathetic is admirable, but it can be taken advantage of and leave you emotionally exhausted. You have to remember that your friend’s problems are not your own. While your friend might feel better knowing that you feel their anger, it can be exhausting for you to feel this anger and stress when it is not even your problem. This is especially true if it is a recurring conversation, it gets extremely draining to constantly feel a rush of negative emotions about something you are not directly related to.
“Suggest other resources.” If you have reached a point where you feel you don’t know what to do to help anymore or even see that your friend is reaching a breaking point; you have to consider talking to them about their mental health issues and suggest that they seek professional support. They may not understand it at first, but you can reassure them that you do care about them, so much so that you know your capabilities are not enough to help them, but you know of a therapist or support group who can.
“Practice self-care.” As the therapist friend, you constantly give up parts of yourself to your friends. You give up your time, energy, and wisdom. It gets mentally and physically exhausting, therefore you must take time for yourself. Spend time resting and doing something you like. The more energy you have, the better you feel, and the more likely you will be able to help your friends again.
“Consider ending the friendship.” It can be heartbreaking, but sometimes it is best to end the friendship, especially if you see no signs of improvement. A friendship is a two-way relationship, it is not fair if one person is giving everything and getting nothing in return. At some point, you have to realize your relationship is not a friendship, but just free therapy sessions for the other person. The friendship can fade out if you set boundaries, but sometimes it can be more difficult. It can require long conversations and might result in an unsavory ending, but you have to consider what is best for both of your health, presently and in the future.
A friend is not a therapist, while they can be good listeners who always want the best for you, they have their own lives to live. They cannot always be there to listen to your problems and give you advice. A friendship cannot be a relationship where one person only gives and the other only takes, it is an equal relationship that both sides should understand in order to maintain a healthy friendship.
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